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One Day in the Mind

Sunlight streaming through the windows first thing in the morning can be a lovely thing. Except when you want to sleep all the time and nothing else is even remotely interesting. So you pull the covers back over your head to try and block out the light, but now your mind is awake and all you can think about is that you left dishes in the sink last night, that the cats need to be fed, and you should probably make an effort to get out of the house today.

When you finally do get out of bed, closer to noon than to any other time, the rest of the household is already long busy, with people having gone off to work, or taking care of the dishes you left out the night before.

Even though your body is telling you that you should be eating something, nothing is in the house that doesn’t require some cooking or work. And even though you get snide comments about being lazy and you curl up on the recliner and put in ear buds so that you can watch yet another Netflix show in peace.

And for a short while, that Netflix show keeps your mind busy, but the moment the credits start to roll, you start to remember the chores that need to be done, the errands that need to be run, and so on and so forth. And yet, even though you can’t get those “necessary” thoughts out of your head, you have absolutely no desire or energy to actually do the things that need to be done.

And that is what it feels like to live with both high functioning anxiety and depression. The daily struggle of never being able to calm your mind, yet not caring enough to do anything about it. Knowing that this is something you need to deal with, being upset about that fact, and even still not having any desire to handle the problem. You make plans a week or two in advance and then as the events get closer and closer you become anxious and stress about it because you have to face people and talk and worst of all, you have to actually leave the house. You come up with every possible excuse to get out of plans at the last minute, and sometimes you turn off your phone just so you don’t know if people are talking to you. You know that you should get excited, should actually miss the people you love when you’re away from them for a while, maybe actually feel like you love someone instead of just knowing you should in a certain situation.

It’s a struggle, every day. Some days the depression is worse. Some days the anxiety is worse. Some days are overall just better than others. But it never really goes away.

And that is the way it is. Simple facts, with no real solution.

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