Subconscious Activity

Well, since yesterday was my first day back at school, today is technically Tuesday, right? We’ll pretend that is the case, at any rate……

My spring break went nothing like I had planned. The day after I drove back to my hometown, I got sick with a chest cold that persisted and refused to get any better and ended up forcing me to miss the first two days of class after the break. Although I am back at my own place now and going to classes again, I’m nowhere near being well yet. Still have a ways to go on that front. But hey! Eight weeks from now and it will be summer break, so that’s something to look forward to!

Maybe my brain is completely fried from being sick for the past week and a half, but I had two moments yesterday where something just made me think about life in general and I found it fascinating.

The first was during my art class while we were working with charcoal. I’ve used charcoal a lot in the past, but I was having a difficult time following my teacher’s instructions for this project. Even though we were only drawing a still life, it was stressing me out because I could not seem to get the values and lines right.

At some point while we were discussing the correct techniques for this particular medium, I finally realized what my problem was. Visual artwork is not usually my preferred method of self expression, but I do enjoy drawing and painting from time to time. I’ve never been particularly good at using charcoal – its messy and weird and very unique. But when I actually thought about it, I realized that I almost always pick up charcoal when I want to express a darker emotion or when I’m going through a particularly rough patch. While I might share my colorful paintings with whomever wishes to see them, my charcoal pieces get tucked away in a separate corner.

And that explained a lot about why I was having trouble grasping the correct techniques that my teacher was attempting to convey. Somehow, subconsciously, when I pick up a stick of charcoal, I begin to look deeper within myself. It was a bit unsettling to realize at first, but also fascinating. Perhaps we all have something like that – something that isn’t really a trigger, but rather a subconscious coping mechanism for when we feel low.

The second moment yesterday happened while I was writing in my journal. My prompt was just to “write some basic things about yourself.” And of course, I had to twist it until I felt inspired. Therefore, I ended up writing a list of brutally honest facts about how I think about myself and how I live my life. Some of it was simply acknowledgement, like saying that I push myself too hard. Some of it was reminding myself to think about something differently, such as telling myself that I struggle with depression rather than saying that I have depression. Words are incredibly powerful, which I realized fully when I read my completed list out loud to myself. Although most of it had been simple enough to write, it created a lot more hesitation when it came to actually declaring these facts to myself. Spoken word really is that powerful, which I should have believed when my therapist told me the first time, right? Ha… too easy.

So… those were my two moments yesterday. The subconscious is really powerful and fascinating. Do you ever think about the reasons why you do or don’t do something? Could be more important than you realize!

See you next week!  -K out



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