Hello blog! I promise I did not forget about you, I was simply on vacation…
That is the truth – I was on vacation for 5 weeks between college semesters. The majority of that time was spent holed up in my parent’s house, sitting by the fire, watching far too much Doctor Who, and trying to figure out life.
Because you see, my dear, when you are learning how to grow up, life is particularly confuzzling. There are so many things that you have to do that you really, REALLY, don’t want to do. But if you don’t do those annoying things, your life might actually completely fall apart and…. nobody needs that kind of stress, right?!
I’ve talked about this a little in my blogs over the last few months, but I’ve been low-key struggling with my purpose in life for a while now. I was very seriously considering quitting school and going a completely different direction. I looked into changing my major, either my actual field of study, or just choosing a different concentration. A lot of things worked their way through my thought process, some good and some not good at all.
A big thing that played a part in this struggle, and something that I have not talked with very many people about, was the fact that at the end of the fall semester, I had a discussion with my private teacher and he grilled me really hard on what I actually wanted to do with a music degree and whether I should actually be in school if I didn’t know what I wanted. I won’t go into detail, but he was pushing for me to make some really drastic life changes, and it really caused me to doubt myself and wonder if there was something wrong with me. Struggling with depression made this particularly hard to deal with. But I am so extremely grateful that God has placed people in my life who kept me going. One of my best friends refused to let me drop out, and my darling choral professor provided me with some avenues to explore that would help me figure my path out while still remaining in school. I also switched my private teacher and had my first session with her this past Friday, which already has helped me out in incredible ways. Before this spring semester started and even the first two days of classes, I was not excited about school, I was still almost completely certain that I would finish this year out and then quit school, but somewhere during that Friday session, I found a new desire to finish this out. Before that, I was planning to just get through this semester and then move back to my hometown. Now, I want to use this semester and seek out my purpose in music. Who knows, I may still decide on a different path that doesn’t involve continuing in school, but I will not be making that decision based solely on my confusion and emotions, but rather on some grounded logic and passion. And that is what matters.
I know this was rather a rant of a post, but the point of all of this is basically to say that, while I believe strongly in passionate decisions and reckless spontaneity, sometimes you have to search deep to find out what you are really meant to do. And that search may take time and effort and maybe, just a little bit of dancing and magic.
I have to mend my wings before I can fly again. What are you doing?