Last time we talked, it was about how important it is to have a dream or a purpose that you love and that makes your life worth living. I tried to write a follow up to that late last week but couldn’t get words to flow. Today I’ve definitely got words, so hopefully they make sense when strung together into sentences/paragraphs/blog post material.
I have realized quite strongly in the last week that what I want out of life really changes from day to day, and some of this is due to the way my mind works. On days when I’m feeling good, I have ideas about using music and writing as a way to make a living. I want to buy a castle, become self sufficient on my own property, etc, etc.
But on the other days, when I feel ill and depression is beating me down, I don’t even want to do anything. Those are the days that I particularly dream about buying a one-way ticket to Russia and traveling the world for the rest of my life. Which actually sounds appealing any day, no matter how I’m feeling, but on the bad days, I’m considering it as an escape route and I want to get away from adult life and stress. It’s a combination of my traveling dream and my anxiety/depression.
But here’s the thing… my health hasn’t been all that great, which is either contributing to or is the cause for how I feel on any given day. That’s why my housework doesn’t get done, that’s why my eating habits are terrible. We won’t get into too much detail about everything involved, but suffice to say that it doesn’t end up making it easy to find a real purpose to my life when there are days that I would rather not have a purpose at all because all I can do is sit on the couch.
Well, in the theme of ‘finding fulfillment and purpose’, I’ve been going to the library and picking out books on health, sewing, cooking, organizing, etc. So, I’ve been reading a lot, learning some stuff, playing with ideas in my head, and still not actually ‘doing’ a lot. Which is kind of nice, honestly.
I found a fantastic book too that I got about 100 pages into and immediately logged into Amazon to buy my own copy. Using this book, I’ve created a plan to get my health back, and for right now, that is the big purpose of my life. Once I’m living more optimally, that should help bring more fulfillment into every day.
This is not to say that I have ‘found my purpose’ in life, but rather that I’ve found something to work towards right now. Now, I’ve tried this before, and it is incredibly hard to cook for yourself, deny your own intense food cravings, and deal with major symptoms on a day to day basis. But I know that if I allow myself to head into the fall semester in the condition that I am in right now, that I won’t make it through. So, in just over six weeks, I really need to have improved my health.
That’s a goal right now. Another cool something happened this morning that I will talk about next week sometime that will hopefully help my entire life out.