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Finding Yourself

I’m going to try and keep this post between 500-700 words. But as long as its under a thousand words, I’ll probably throw caution and editing to the wind and publish it anyways.

The last time I wrote here about my grades, they still had not been posted. The terror got the better of me and I could not get myself to pack up my laptop and go search out a wifi connection in order to check on what had been posted.

(And then my favorite coffee shop closed so I’m at Starbucks. Ew. RIP Gatsby’s!) Therefore, I actually only found out what my grades were about fifteen minutes before starting to write this post and the feelings are still running a bit high.

The good news first is that “officially” I did NOT fail any of my classes. I got a D, 2 Cs, 3 Bs and an A.  Honestly, I was totally prepared (read: braced) for that F, so I’m pretty relieved about getting a D in mathematics.

The bad news is that, due to that bad grade in mathematics, my scholarship from the School of Music is currently on probation. I have to get my grades up next semester or I’m  removed from scholarship possibilities. OUCH!  I’m confident that I will have better grades next semester, but it still hurts a bit not to be a star student my first semester here at Tech.

Anyways, that is behind me – my tuition is still covered for next semester, I made a very nice chunk of money over graduation weekends and I’m slowly pulling my savings account back into the higher triple digits. That feels good.

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I got distracted while writing this post. Not really sorry.

Since school has finished and I’ve had so much extra time on my hands, I’ve found my mind wandering a lot. I think about anything and everything. I get distracted by the slightest thing. I re-established my local library card and have since been lost in the world of paper and ink, particularly romance novels and young adult fantasy (my two weaknesses).  Also, binge watching tv shows and Disney classics takes up a lot of time. Those Disney classics in particular drive me crazy. I’ve always loved them, but they always left me wanting more of that magic in my own life. Unlike the media would have you believe, I’ve never had any small desire for a perfect Prince Charming or the “ideal” body that the princesses have. No, I have always been left wanting to create a better adventure out of life, something that would keep me always alive and happy inside.  Just this morning, I posted the following on Facebook…

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And it wasn’t the idea that came into my head that started bothering me so much as the thought of ‘what kind of person have I become?’  I never thought of myself as a feminist or someone who is strongly pro-gender equality, but more and more lately, I find myself staunchly behind the idea of empowering others, particularly women. I get quickly defensive whenever someone questions how I choose to live my life or how someone else chooses to live their life. I find that I’m dissatisfied with how I’m living my life. There needs to be more purpose to what I do.

And that’s as far as my thought process goes before it falls apart. I start panicking because, quite honestly, I don’t know what I want to do with my future. So many things appeal to me. I want to try ALL lifestyles. I’m curious about everything.  Why do so many people latch onto a certain idea and hold on for dear life?  I want to know WHY.

I thought for a while that I had grown up too much, that I had lost my childlike innocence and curiosity. That is absolutely NOT true.  Or maybe I re-found it. Who knows. Regardless, I want so many things out of life.  Usually when people ask me what I want to do with my Music degree after I graduate, I grin and tell them that I’m moving back to my hometown and opening a bookstore/coffee shop.

And lately I’ve been completely stuck on the idea of buying 50-ish acres in the country, building a tiny house/miniature castle on it, running a herd of rescue horses, and living entirely self sufficient with my own garden, animals and solar/wind power. Going off the grid.

I also want to be a working student at some fancy horse show barn for a while. I want to travel the world on foot. I want to sail across an ocean on a real boat instead of flying. I want to backpack across a mountain range. So on and so forth.

Every time these ideas come up in conversation, I realize that most people don’t think the same way that I do. Most people have ideas of long term relationships, having kids, steady jobs, etc.  They get bright eyed over the idea of traveling and having this sort of dream life, but it doesn’t get their soul excited like mine is. And that makes me a tiny bit sad because I have to wonder – am I different from everyone else? I’ve always wanted to be somewhat different from the people around me, but it makes me feel a bit out of place lately. And its not solely the fact that I don’t feel a connection with most people in my life, but that I don’t seem to feel a connection to myself a lot of the time.

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Have a picture of Monsieur Giovanni to break up the text.

Basically, through all this rambling, I’m trying to say that I have decided to put myself on a purposeful journey to finding myself. Instead of wandering aimlessly among my scattered dreams and ideas, I want to find a true purpose for everything I do.

June starts tomorrow. Throughout the month, I’m going to ask myself some hard questions, I’m going to journal religiously, and I’m going to focus on improving my physical health and fitness.  I’ll also be attempting to write both fiction and blog posts regularly because I’ve been obsessed with my characters lately and I like the public accountability I give myself through this blog.

#iwanttofly

#mendingmywings

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2 thoughts on “Finding Yourself”

  1. There’s a quote from one of my favorite books as a kid that goes something like this ‘[Harry] had always suffered from a vague restlessness, a longing for adventure that she told herself severely was the result of reading too many novels when she was a small child.’ and I have always identified very strongly with this quote (and that whole book. I love the book even though the romance kind of hits you out of right field 😂). I’m the kind of individual who has 500 different career paths I’d like to try, a couple dozen lives to live, and a wish to make a difference in some way. I wish to travel and backpack and live a life /only I could live/. I want to journal and I want to /live brightly/. I want to go out in a blaze and I want to slide into the grave all used up. I want to live the life everyone dreams of living but doesn’t because of fear.

    While, yes, I do want to be married one day and have kids-I also want to drag them along with me into the unknown. I want to live a life characterized by a deep-seated trust in the love of Christ. I want to walk into the dens of iniquity and bring the light that God has given me. I want to illuminate the darkness and bring grace and holiness and beauty and /maia/ to a world that has forgotten what it is like to walk in the sun shame free. I want to break shame off of those around me. I want to experience miracles. I want to make my Abba smile. I want to walk the path He has laid out for me with a light step because /the King of the WORLD has me in the palm of His hand/. I want to LIVE rather than just survive. I’m tired of surviving-so, like you, this month I’m going to focus on finding out who I am and what it is I love. I’m going to be intentional in whatever I do and stop holding back because of fear. I’m going to live a dangerous life because /our God’s not a tame God/ But He IS good.

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